Just plain tired, but resting in His strength

You know that you are hearing from God when you get a "full circle" confirmation. I believe that over the past few days God has spoken to me in little voices. He knows how to get to me. He knows how I am and He knows that I need the information right in front of me in order to get it. Although my situation looks bleak, I will not grow weary because I am resting in Him. He is giving me grace each day and He knows when I can't take another step because He is right there beside me reminding me, this too shall pass, I am bigger, stronger and faithful to pull you through.
Sometimes I just want to be sad, I want to question, I want to fret, but He steps in and shows me a new direction to go. I have to constantly remind myself that He is all I need. He is all I need. I feel like I am taking a big step here. I am making a commitment to reallly let go. I am backing off and leaving well enough alone. I am moving on to what God has for me now and what God's will and desire is for me right now. I will no longer worry about what I can't change, what I can't determine, because it does nothing but bring me down. I will trust the Lord. I will get out of the way completely and let the Holy Spirit work. It will be extremely difficult for me, but I feel that God is showing me this is the only way, I am the only way out of this mess. I am, He says......Jill you can do nothing but pray and wait and stand, stand with me holding you up. So I am not giving up, but I am letting go and letting God. Whether or not that results in my way being met, it doesn't matter, because His ways are not mine, His ways will be met, and regardless of the outcome, He will be glorified as a result. He will turn broken into beautiful, He will carry me through, whatever the outcome.
Am I tired, am I weary, yes.....But I am resting in Him. It is the only way. I have to rediscover who I am in Christ. Who am I and what does God see? What does God want from me as a result of my brokeness. How can I fufill His purposes right now, what would He desire me to do? I am going to find out.
Someone once wrote these words, " We all have only one life to live in which to live by faith in God, to trust in Him and rest in His peace when we are tempted to panic." And ladies, I am so tempted to panic right now, by letting go of what I hold dear. But sometimes you have to let go.....I can't go back and change the past, I can't undo what I have done and failed at. But I can accept responsiblity for my actions, I can repent to a Saviour is so willing to forgive me. I need to restore my life with God, this is personal, between God and I. Our lives are not our own. God gives us this life. "Life is not about finding happiness, it is about living a life worthy of the Gospel because of a sinless Saviour who died for us."
I can only continue to pray that God will work a miracle right now. I believe He can, I am in faith that He can. So I have to be willing to get out of the way and let God be God in this situation. I want to focus on His plan and not my comfort level when things get hard. I want to live a life that seeks Jesus instead of a life spent looking backwards. Lord give me the grace to endure this race..........................

Mighty to save

Saviour you can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save.....
Do you believe this? I believe this with my whole heart and I am standing on this promise tonight. This day was a new day for me, a new beginning. God is going to work in a mighty way, I feel it, I know it, I believe it.....Could be in a day, month, a year, I am not sure, but all the events that have happened over the last two days is showing me to hang on and not let go. This morning our pastor started a new series about getting real with God about our addictions. Addictions can be anything really, not just smoking, drinking, etc. But he asked us to think of an addiction that we have that hinders us from God. Funny, immediately I thought, can my husband be an addiction? Meaning, I have looked to him as "my god" and not God, I have put so much pressure on him over the years to get us out of our "messes" rather than put my dependency on the Lord. Which all of this resulted in a slow downward spiral....which I won't get into tnite. But I came up with worry as my number one addicition. As the sermon came to an end we prayed at the end and he asked us to raise up our hands as an act of surrendering our addiction to Him(of course all eyes closed:) I felt a release, a power that was of God, as if God Himself is saying to me in my spirit, finally Jill just release it to me, i will and am in the process of taking care of it....trust Me and only Me, not yourself, not Tony, not anyone else, just me.
That was this morning, this evening I went to a "mini" retreat with a friend, she had invited me. Well we sang the worship song, Mighty to Save, and another one I am not sure of the name, but the chorus which just kept repeating all through the night....."There is no one else for me, No one but Jesus, Crucified to set me free..." It would not leave my mind.....This whole "learning process" for me is too realize that Jesus is all I need, that is it. I have got to come to this realization. I have to. I feel I am getting closer and closer each day. I am realizing that I have no control, ultimately. He is in control. He can take everything from me and I will be okay, He is all I need. Look at Job! Am I any better than Job? Am I any better than anyone, no! So the worst can happen to me, yes, do I want that, no...But I know that God will protect me, He is all I need. Whether or not He changes my circumstances, it doesn't matter...He is all I need....Whether or not He gives me my miracle, it doesn't matter, He is all I need. Until I come to fully realize this and fully depend on God, I will get no where. People, wake up realize this now and not when it is too late, He is all you need. You will not live a perfect life, it is not about that.....He will deliver you, He will take care of you, He will carry you when all you have left is nothing.......He is all you need. Right now, I believe that my Jesus is all I need.
As sisters in Christ I am sharing with you my heart. My friend gave me a word tnite, I believe it is confirmation and I am going to share it here with you all...."I hear your cries, says the Lord, Your shouts and your tears. It is time that you speak that mountain down into a molehill. use your voice and authority in My name to release what the enemy is holding from you. He has no power but the power that you give to him. You have My power within you to cast him into the sea." So right now in agreeance with her I believe that this day was from God, all of these events leading up today just tossed into one. I am claiming that Jesus is all I need, I am letting go of doubt, and climbing up that mountain, whether it kills me or not. I am telling the enemy to back off, this is not his family and I will not, I will not stand for it anymore, he can seep in and feed me lies but I will come at him with "Jesus is all I need." Jesus is all I need and I see that now. I hate that it has taken me this long to get here, but our God is a God of second chances. He is mighty to save and He has saved me and He will save my marriage..............

Okay

Just had to let you all know that i am still ticking! Somebody had asked me in a message today if I was okay....Kind of funny to me, no I am not okay, but God is making me okay. Funny how when one obstacle in your life is so prominent and then another hits you smack in the face.....But it pulled my focus off of me and helped me to focus more on someone else for that matter. Putting much of my time and energy into the life of one person that I dearly love over the last week, helped me to see this life is not my own. It is God's. It is how I choose to live this life that will matter. It showed me that the most important thing to hang onto is love. No matter how much you want to close the door, shut that person out, give up, or just crawl into bed and not get out. Love will pull you through. That love comes from God. He loves us so much and He longs for us to realize that and receive it. Why are we so blinded, why do we question Him? He has us here on this earth for a reason. We may not understand why we are here. We may not understand what purpose our lives are serving right now, but what we fail to realize is regardless of the season we are in, the state we are in, He has a reason. We may not find out until the day we are with Him, but we have to trust in Him. God is bigger than my circumstances, God is bigger than all of this mess I have created, God is faithful......It is well with my soul, I lift my hands to a greater God that we serve, It is well with my soul, I sing this as strong as I can, It is well with my soul, I smile through the tears because I know, It is well with my soul, He floods my heart with such peace, although it is breaking. He alone can mend it, He alone can mend my broken heart, because He knows what I need, He has what I need, I just need to reach out to Him, through the tears, through the pain, through the anxiety, through the sadness......It is well with my soul.................

"So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 6-7

jeremiah 29:11

I wrote out an email to my husband this evening, praying for the Lord to direct my thoughts. I still worry about how it will be received, but I am trusting God with it. It was a letter of encouragement, I felt led to do it......Anyways I was closing the letter with "our life verse" I feel that Tony and I were given that verse about 6 years ago from a couple that we are very fond of and who have such wisdom. Well as most of you know, the verse begins with, "For I know the plans I have for you, " says the Lord, "They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Now that part has stuck with me for a while. And I have read the rest of the verses that follow in the past. But until today I haven't read them and thought really hard about them. Today I continued to read......"In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. "I will be found by you, "says the Lord, " I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land. " Okay, now I am not a bible interpreator. But for me, right now, those words spoke such depth to my spirit. Because right now at this point in my life, I am struggling daily....I believe that God is (literally) giving me the grace to get through each day with out falling completely apart. But to read.....You will find me when you seek me....I will listen......He is listening to me, I know this, I am finding Him in so many places! And I believe the end of that verse is for me and my husband. I believe that he will bring us out of captivity(this mess we are in) He will restore us, although it is a journey right now, and that He will bring Tony and I "home again....." I just feel as though we have gotten lost and I feel that we have drifted so far from "home" and I feel that Jesus in His almighty power and grace will bring us back. It could take days, months, years, but I believe in full faith that He will show us the way back home. So my friends, hold fast to the truth. Know that God is walking beside you in this journey and He knows everything about what you are going through. He will give you the grace to get through each day, although it may seem like baby steps....it will happen. You know at Christmas you see those signs...Believe( I think they mean in Santa Claus) But just think of the power of that one word, believe.......Just believe....Jesus is the name we need to call on, just believe, He will pull you through. And regardless of what is taken from you, realize that He will NOT be taken from you................................................................that there should be our hope.....and our comfort......

funny

I have a friend that tells me often to speak out against the enemy and not to stand for things I do not agree with. Now I know that the enemy does not make us do things and we do this by our own free will. I do not blame the devil. But I do know that the enemy is always near and I do know that we fight him off on a constant basis! Anyways I just have to laugh, because this afternoon I was thrown for yet another big blow. I am amazingly at peace right now, I know it is God because I at times feel like I am literally going under and can not breath. So right now regarding my latest issue, I am at peace! That makes me feel so good. So after calling a friend for some counsel and meeting with her in town, bless her......I feel as if God spoke to me through her. Driving home, singing 'Glorious one, Glorious one, light of the world you outshine the sun" I just broke into prayer and then yelled out to the enemy that he has no part here and he will not control my life or my husbands and he (the enemy) needs to get out and get behind me! He will not destroy my family and he will not take over my husband. My husband, my family belong to God! I yelled this, now this is crazy to me, because I have never done anything like this and I felt like God was right there beside me cheering me on! Looking at me and laughing with me, because as if to say, "Finally Jill, you are letting it go, let it go and let me have it." It felt so good! Okay so you all might think I have completely gone off the deep end after this post. But you know what, God is our anchor, our support, our comfort, He will not leave us, He will not let anything come at us that we can not handle. And the enemy well he literally can just go to hell!! Yes he has no business in our lives. So do not be discouraged, take heart and know that God is on your side and He loves you!!!
So this is what peace feels like. Girls I know that I am rambling, but I am so thankful that God has given me this peace right now at a time when I should be crumbling. He knows just what I need..................................................................................

doubt

Many of you know that this is a difficult season of my life. I wanted to share with you what God has been pouring into my heart this week. It comes from James.

James 1:6-8 But when you ask, you must believe. You must not doubt. People who doubt are like waves of the sea. The wind blows and tosses them around. A man like that shouldn't expect to receive anything from the Lord. He can't make up his mind. He can never decide what to do.

I like this translation, although it might seem a little harsh.....I feel that God wants us to be bold and "ask boldy, believeingly, without a second thought...."

I catch myself going to that place where I think, I can fix this, I can fix this situation, I can convince this person! Well friends, I can't. I have been battling with this for years, and I do believe and pray, that because of this place that I am in, it was almost a warning from God. I believe with my heart that God wants me and I have been so unwilling to give Him "me" Am I willing to totally and completely trust in Him? Would I be so bold and trustworthy as Jesus was when He was tempted and resisted the devil?

Well right now I have confessed with my mouth that I will stop. I will stop fighting, I will stop challenging, I will give in to my Lord and Savoir, this is the only way to find true peace. I so desperately want this, true peace. So I am letting go, letting go of many things, not to list here, but just know I am completely and wholeheartedly giving this to God. I am listing this on here to be accountable to you all as well. Because I without a doubt am asking God for a miracle and I do believe He will give it me........I just need to trust Him. Am I willing to do that, yes........I want to be released from all of this madness and know that my joy and peace can only come from the Lord......

can i really do this

Some days I just don't know if I can do this.........Ever feel like that? I know the way to go, the things to do, that I need to pray and I need to depend on God, I know this, but today I just feel so overwhelming sad about the circumstances and I guess you could say a little fearful. I am not any better than anyone else, and yes God can change my circumstances, but He may not change them the way I want them to be changed. So today I have a heavy heart. I think it is just difficult being in a new place, a new season and having to let go of someone for a while, that someone being your best friend, the one you shared everything with. So now when your heart crys out, I must cry out to Jesus. I do, but I so long for restoration.................and for physical arms around me to comfort me. But for now I must rely on those heavenly arms, and remember that my Jesus is who I need. I feel like the little engine that could, ha, ha, I think I can, I think I can.....Crazy I just got that picture in my head........