Am I beautiful?

I had quite a bit of time on my hands over the last couple of days to read and get into the Word of God....imagine that! The kids and I went down to my parents condo (just the five of us:) A nice escape.....Anyways about a week ago my friend sent me a book in the mail.....I didn't realize how much God would use it to impact my life. It is filled with such truth, that I have known, but have refused to swallow and accept for so long....but at this point in my journey I am so astounded by it. The last chapter I read was filled with so much truth and meaning for me, it is very raw and hard to digest for some, but I felt convicted while highlighting that I need to share it with you all. So the next paragraph or so is from the book, it is written in red....enjoy and I pray that God will help you to receive it and you will take something away from this post tnite....
"If there is a question attached to the soul of a woman, maybe it's 'Do you think I'm beautiful?' When God answers from the depth of His great love, it makes some of us feel like the wallflower who is asked to dance. But we can become distracted from His invitation because of other lovers."
At first I am thinking, what??? But then as I read on I realized, oh God I am so sorry...my whole life I have been distracted by "other lovers" primarily one, who I put so much dependency on, that this next excerpt is my life in a nutshell, what slowly happened to my marriage, how it slowly began to crumble. Oh granted I know it was not just one persons fault, but God has been showing me over the last six months so much and this is just one big rock that fell in my path.....
"In the effort to make things perfect, a woman can beg her man to be like the one over there. She's hoping that if he could change, she'd finally be whole. When the man feels that he is asked to be something he wasn't ever made to be, when he senses the pressure to meet expectations that seem unattainable, when he wants to fill but doesn't really understand how to pour, after years of talking and trying and trying some more, the man can step back in frustration. The woman tries to counter the distance by leaning in and desperately asking him for more. And he might try from miles away, but he can't......And his heart wanders away. And he gives up on romance with the one he has loved and the passion dies. And the heart of the woman who has expected the man to be enough dies with it."
Ummmm.....ouch.....I had tears flowing, and my heart was aching, because never has it been put so bluntly to me in that way....I needed that, as hard as it was for me, I needed that. I think so often ladies, that many of us are this way, some of us catch it before it is too late. I have, not by my own strength, but by God's amazing MERCY....He is able and He will turn your brokenness into beauty, but you have to let Him.......
"Here is the one thing I can say with great confidence, the man that you love is just a man. He may be your soul mate. He is possibly your best friend. He may be hunky and funny and surprising and strong. But he will never--not in a million years, not if he goes to relationship therapy twice a week and keeps every promise ever written--be enough to fill your soul....he will never make you whole."
What??? That was my reaction, you mean he won't complete me? What about Tom Cruise, "you complete me" Oh how I loved that movie, but really?
"He can't. Those deep places inside you were made for God. There will never be a man on the face of the earth who can make you whole. Being filled in the depths of your soul is only about the love of God..knowing Him....hearing His voice...beleiving that He's wild about you...dancing his His arms. The man's responsibility is to be the vessel and to be a good one. He is called to listen to God. To obey as the Holy Spirit leads. To love you in the ways God prompts his heart. If he loves you as a man who walks with God and if you realize that the vessel is just a man, there can be an amazing exchange of healthy love. Through the man you can taste a part of the love that God has for you. We must realize that there will never be healthly love between a woman and a man until she comes to rest and finds her being in the great love of God. "
I love my husband, but I loved him so much more than God. I am blessed because God has allowed me to fall and He is allowing me to get up and begin again, He is giving us a second chance....but I firmly believe that I have to come to grips with the above quote, and I mean really come to grips with it....because it is so easy to fall into the trap that our husbands are our everything and we can't live without them...but the truth is we can't live without God.....I pray that this post speaks to you, I pray that it does not offend anyone. I share it with you, bearing with you the real me, in no way have I arrived and I believe that it will be a battle, but a battle I am willing to fight. I have been there, I am still there but I know that God will complete me.....

It's been a while:)

I know it's been a while, but I wanted to let all of you know that I am still ticking, God is still working and I am still fighting:):) Anyways, I am not going to blog much tnite, but wanted to leave you with my newest enlightenment and challenge......As our Pastor said last Sunday....we need to wait, wait on the Lord....You see my circumstances have changed quite a bit this last month, and I am thankful. But in many ways it is almost harder to be in the valley and climb up the mountain than being in the pit, in my opinion......Also, once you give something to God, fully surrender it to Him, don't try to take it back. As he (pastor) faced us last Sunday and talked with us before he prayed, tears flowed from my eyes, I could not stop them, I could not make eye contact, for each time I did, the water works burst......but with that being said, God knows just where to meet us, He knows just how to reach us and He knows just what we need. While Pastor was praying, I felt a hand on my shoulder, peace I felt with the touch of her hand. Now remember I am new to this church and I am not one to be open and tend to have the "happy face" on.....So God knew and this lady didn't say anything to me just her touch and the fact that she knew as well.....She told me that she so often takes things back from God after she has given them to Him....She doesn't even know me, how God was that!!!!
Okay so this wasn't supposed to be an in depth post:):) It flys around a bit and may not make sense to you all, but to those that it needs to, it will.......