Am I beautiful?

I had quite a bit of time on my hands over the last couple of days to read and get into the Word of God....imagine that! The kids and I went down to my parents condo (just the five of us:) A nice escape.....Anyways about a week ago my friend sent me a book in the mail.....I didn't realize how much God would use it to impact my life. It is filled with such truth, that I have known, but have refused to swallow and accept for so long....but at this point in my journey I am so astounded by it. The last chapter I read was filled with so much truth and meaning for me, it is very raw and hard to digest for some, but I felt convicted while highlighting that I need to share it with you all. So the next paragraph or so is from the book, it is written in red....enjoy and I pray that God will help you to receive it and you will take something away from this post tnite....
"If there is a question attached to the soul of a woman, maybe it's 'Do you think I'm beautiful?' When God answers from the depth of His great love, it makes some of us feel like the wallflower who is asked to dance. But we can become distracted from His invitation because of other lovers."
At first I am thinking, what??? But then as I read on I realized, oh God I am so sorry...my whole life I have been distracted by "other lovers" primarily one, who I put so much dependency on, that this next excerpt is my life in a nutshell, what slowly happened to my marriage, how it slowly began to crumble. Oh granted I know it was not just one persons fault, but God has been showing me over the last six months so much and this is just one big rock that fell in my path.....
"In the effort to make things perfect, a woman can beg her man to be like the one over there. She's hoping that if he could change, she'd finally be whole. When the man feels that he is asked to be something he wasn't ever made to be, when he senses the pressure to meet expectations that seem unattainable, when he wants to fill but doesn't really understand how to pour, after years of talking and trying and trying some more, the man can step back in frustration. The woman tries to counter the distance by leaning in and desperately asking him for more. And he might try from miles away, but he can't......And his heart wanders away. And he gives up on romance with the one he has loved and the passion dies. And the heart of the woman who has expected the man to be enough dies with it."
Ummmm.....ouch.....I had tears flowing, and my heart was aching, because never has it been put so bluntly to me in that way....I needed that, as hard as it was for me, I needed that. I think so often ladies, that many of us are this way, some of us catch it before it is too late. I have, not by my own strength, but by God's amazing MERCY....He is able and He will turn your brokenness into beauty, but you have to let Him.......
"Here is the one thing I can say with great confidence, the man that you love is just a man. He may be your soul mate. He is possibly your best friend. He may be hunky and funny and surprising and strong. But he will never--not in a million years, not if he goes to relationship therapy twice a week and keeps every promise ever written--be enough to fill your soul....he will never make you whole."
What??? That was my reaction, you mean he won't complete me? What about Tom Cruise, "you complete me" Oh how I loved that movie, but really?
"He can't. Those deep places inside you were made for God. There will never be a man on the face of the earth who can make you whole. Being filled in the depths of your soul is only about the love of God..knowing Him....hearing His voice...beleiving that He's wild about you...dancing his His arms. The man's responsibility is to be the vessel and to be a good one. He is called to listen to God. To obey as the Holy Spirit leads. To love you in the ways God prompts his heart. If he loves you as a man who walks with God and if you realize that the vessel is just a man, there can be an amazing exchange of healthy love. Through the man you can taste a part of the love that God has for you. We must realize that there will never be healthly love between a woman and a man until she comes to rest and finds her being in the great love of God. "
I love my husband, but I loved him so much more than God. I am blessed because God has allowed me to fall and He is allowing me to get up and begin again, He is giving us a second chance....but I firmly believe that I have to come to grips with the above quote, and I mean really come to grips with it....because it is so easy to fall into the trap that our husbands are our everything and we can't live without them...but the truth is we can't live without God.....I pray that this post speaks to you, I pray that it does not offend anyone. I share it with you, bearing with you the real me, in no way have I arrived and I believe that it will be a battle, but a battle I am willing to fight. I have been there, I am still there but I know that God will complete me.....

It's been a while:)

I know it's been a while, but I wanted to let all of you know that I am still ticking, God is still working and I am still fighting:):) Anyways, I am not going to blog much tnite, but wanted to leave you with my newest enlightenment and challenge......As our Pastor said last Sunday....we need to wait, wait on the Lord....You see my circumstances have changed quite a bit this last month, and I am thankful. But in many ways it is almost harder to be in the valley and climb up the mountain than being in the pit, in my opinion......Also, once you give something to God, fully surrender it to Him, don't try to take it back. As he (pastor) faced us last Sunday and talked with us before he prayed, tears flowed from my eyes, I could not stop them, I could not make eye contact, for each time I did, the water works burst......but with that being said, God knows just where to meet us, He knows just how to reach us and He knows just what we need. While Pastor was praying, I felt a hand on my shoulder, peace I felt with the touch of her hand. Now remember I am new to this church and I am not one to be open and tend to have the "happy face" on.....So God knew and this lady didn't say anything to me just her touch and the fact that she knew as well.....She told me that she so often takes things back from God after she has given them to Him....She doesn't even know me, how God was that!!!!
Okay so this wasn't supposed to be an in depth post:):) It flys around a bit and may not make sense to you all, but to those that it needs to, it will.......

God is amazing

God hears our prayers and He answers us in His time....I don't know why I find this amazing, like it hasn't happened before....I guess when it is fresh we are just in such awe at how a perfect Saviour could love us, me, this beautiful mess......But to Him I am more than just a beautiful mess. I am so thankful that He sees me and searches me and tests my anxious ways....He knows me, He knows what I need, He knows that I need those little nudges along the way.....But by far, I have learned that is so freeing to trust Him....so completely freeing........
"My chains are gone, I've been set free.....Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost, but know I'm found, was blind, but now I see...."
Don't wait to have that blindfold removed, let Him in now, His picture is so clear, crystal clear, He sees the beauty, not the ugly....He will turn your broken into beautiful........He is completely amazing!!!

Jeremiah 29:11-extended.....

About 7 years ago, I quickly identified this as my life verse, Jeremiah 29:11. It was given to my husband and I by friends that we love and respect so much. Over the last few months we have been in a pit, now transitioning into a valley. Although I am thankful and forever grateful that we are out of the pit, it is almost more terrifing to be in the valley. But on to my point, last night this verse took on new meaning to me, because I kept reading....I have kept reading before but at this point and time in my life, I think I was specifically meant to keep reading in the New Living Translation bible.
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you, says the Lord. I will END YOUR CAPTIVITY and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land."
Now for those of you that are aware of what I have been going through you will so get this. God has been speaking to me for so many years, He has been speaking to my husband as well. But for so long, we just heard the beginning of the verse. But for us we needed to keep reading....Seek me, Seek me, Seek me....Not the world, not each other, not wealth, not happiness, but ME. O lord how I wish that I had come to that revelation sooner. You are so good to us, and we are so undeserving of your love. I pray, earnestly pray that the Lord would continue to open my eyes to Him. I get it, some don't, but I know that He will use me......He will end my captivity, He will end my husband's captivity, we are free, free in Jesus Christ. Hear this, I just have such a strong impression on my heart that we are free, so many of us are lost, but He just wants us to open our hearts to Him and be released. He has freed us, don't look back, move forward.......

new beginnings.....

I pray with all of my strength and might that whatever the outcome of our situations, regardless of how bleak and impossible them seem, that God would give us the strength to realize that He will, and He will, be glorified through it all. Regardless of the outcome....I was listening to a sermon online that a friend had suggested the other day and came away with these thoughts...."Great faith is not faith that knows what God is going to do it's one that trusts Him to do what is best." How often can we swallow that and receive that? We are not perfect, bad things happen to good people, but our God is Sovereign.....Are we willing to leave the result of our situtations to God, completely? Of course His purposes we may not understand, we may never find the answers, but God will give us a peace. He has given me that peace. Fight as I might, I know that I can not win this battle alone. I don't want to fight it alone. It is a battle to get up each day my sisters, but each day is new, and God somehow gives me the grace to "wake up and put on my makeup!!:):)" I am trusting Him, I am in faith and resting in what He can do. Whether or not He follows "my plan" I will still press on, for His ways are greater......
God is giving me new ways to find "me" again.....I was bold this last weekend and finally stepped forward. Ever since I have been on the worship team in FL about 6 years ago, it has been on my heart to continue in this...but we moved around so much it was difficult. I had the opportunity again in LA, which was the best experience for me. And then again in IL. That was really hard to leave, because I felt like God was showing me a whole new way to connect with Him. Well now, here we are in IN. The worship team is lacking a keyboard player, there is a keyboard up there but it has been unoccupied for the time we have been. So I finally asked about it, after much proding from the Lord:):) Short story, I went to my first practice tnite, and it was wonderful, God continues to show me what a big God we do serve. He is showing me that He has so much more to offer than what the "world" does......I am so blessed, so richly blessed, I know that my God is here with me, in this valley and through this valley He will continue to walk with me and show me His mercy.....I am submitting to His plan for me, although I am unsure of what is in store, I am fully surrendering to Him.......

Just plain tired, but resting in His strength

You know that you are hearing from God when you get a "full circle" confirmation. I believe that over the past few days God has spoken to me in little voices. He knows how to get to me. He knows how I am and He knows that I need the information right in front of me in order to get it. Although my situation looks bleak, I will not grow weary because I am resting in Him. He is giving me grace each day and He knows when I can't take another step because He is right there beside me reminding me, this too shall pass, I am bigger, stronger and faithful to pull you through.
Sometimes I just want to be sad, I want to question, I want to fret, but He steps in and shows me a new direction to go. I have to constantly remind myself that He is all I need. He is all I need. I feel like I am taking a big step here. I am making a commitment to reallly let go. I am backing off and leaving well enough alone. I am moving on to what God has for me now and what God's will and desire is for me right now. I will no longer worry about what I can't change, what I can't determine, because it does nothing but bring me down. I will trust the Lord. I will get out of the way completely and let the Holy Spirit work. It will be extremely difficult for me, but I feel that God is showing me this is the only way, I am the only way out of this mess. I am, He says......Jill you can do nothing but pray and wait and stand, stand with me holding you up. So I am not giving up, but I am letting go and letting God. Whether or not that results in my way being met, it doesn't matter, because His ways are not mine, His ways will be met, and regardless of the outcome, He will be glorified as a result. He will turn broken into beautiful, He will carry me through, whatever the outcome.
Am I tired, am I weary, yes.....But I am resting in Him. It is the only way. I have to rediscover who I am in Christ. Who am I and what does God see? What does God want from me as a result of my brokeness. How can I fufill His purposes right now, what would He desire me to do? I am going to find out.
Someone once wrote these words, " We all have only one life to live in which to live by faith in God, to trust in Him and rest in His peace when we are tempted to panic." And ladies, I am so tempted to panic right now, by letting go of what I hold dear. But sometimes you have to let go.....I can't go back and change the past, I can't undo what I have done and failed at. But I can accept responsiblity for my actions, I can repent to a Saviour is so willing to forgive me. I need to restore my life with God, this is personal, between God and I. Our lives are not our own. God gives us this life. "Life is not about finding happiness, it is about living a life worthy of the Gospel because of a sinless Saviour who died for us."
I can only continue to pray that God will work a miracle right now. I believe He can, I am in faith that He can. So I have to be willing to get out of the way and let God be God in this situation. I want to focus on His plan and not my comfort level when things get hard. I want to live a life that seeks Jesus instead of a life spent looking backwards. Lord give me the grace to endure this race..........................

Mighty to save

Saviour you can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save.....
Do you believe this? I believe this with my whole heart and I am standing on this promise tonight. This day was a new day for me, a new beginning. God is going to work in a mighty way, I feel it, I know it, I believe it.....Could be in a day, month, a year, I am not sure, but all the events that have happened over the last two days is showing me to hang on and not let go. This morning our pastor started a new series about getting real with God about our addictions. Addictions can be anything really, not just smoking, drinking, etc. But he asked us to think of an addiction that we have that hinders us from God. Funny, immediately I thought, can my husband be an addiction? Meaning, I have looked to him as "my god" and not God, I have put so much pressure on him over the years to get us out of our "messes" rather than put my dependency on the Lord. Which all of this resulted in a slow downward spiral....which I won't get into tnite. But I came up with worry as my number one addicition. As the sermon came to an end we prayed at the end and he asked us to raise up our hands as an act of surrendering our addiction to Him(of course all eyes closed:) I felt a release, a power that was of God, as if God Himself is saying to me in my spirit, finally Jill just release it to me, i will and am in the process of taking care of it....trust Me and only Me, not yourself, not Tony, not anyone else, just me.
That was this morning, this evening I went to a "mini" retreat with a friend, she had invited me. Well we sang the worship song, Mighty to Save, and another one I am not sure of the name, but the chorus which just kept repeating all through the night....."There is no one else for me, No one but Jesus, Crucified to set me free..." It would not leave my mind.....This whole "learning process" for me is too realize that Jesus is all I need, that is it. I have got to come to this realization. I have to. I feel I am getting closer and closer each day. I am realizing that I have no control, ultimately. He is in control. He can take everything from me and I will be okay, He is all I need. Look at Job! Am I any better than Job? Am I any better than anyone, no! So the worst can happen to me, yes, do I want that, no...But I know that God will protect me, He is all I need. Whether or not He changes my circumstances, it doesn't matter...He is all I need....Whether or not He gives me my miracle, it doesn't matter, He is all I need. Until I come to fully realize this and fully depend on God, I will get no where. People, wake up realize this now and not when it is too late, He is all you need. You will not live a perfect life, it is not about that.....He will deliver you, He will take care of you, He will carry you when all you have left is nothing.......He is all you need. Right now, I believe that my Jesus is all I need.
As sisters in Christ I am sharing with you my heart. My friend gave me a word tnite, I believe it is confirmation and I am going to share it here with you all...."I hear your cries, says the Lord, Your shouts and your tears. It is time that you speak that mountain down into a molehill. use your voice and authority in My name to release what the enemy is holding from you. He has no power but the power that you give to him. You have My power within you to cast him into the sea." So right now in agreeance with her I believe that this day was from God, all of these events leading up today just tossed into one. I am claiming that Jesus is all I need, I am letting go of doubt, and climbing up that mountain, whether it kills me or not. I am telling the enemy to back off, this is not his family and I will not, I will not stand for it anymore, he can seep in and feed me lies but I will come at him with "Jesus is all I need." Jesus is all I need and I see that now. I hate that it has taken me this long to get here, but our God is a God of second chances. He is mighty to save and He has saved me and He will save my marriage..............