emotions

So here I am again....makes me think of a song, "here I am again on my own, dum, dum....can't remember the words, but can hear the tune in my head....Sometimes I think God has put this blog in my path to force me to be real with people, considering my closest followers are following me and that you all are real with me. And who knows who and when this post will be read since I haven't even been on in months.

So lately I have felt alone, in the sense of not having God near. I know it is a season. Sometimes it is during the drought seasons that I feel closest to God. I get lost within my self and get in self pity mode. Ever since I have had Elijah I feel that my moods are so sporatic. It is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. One minute I am up and then I am down. And I hate it. I don't know if I can blame it on the birth control, the extra hormones, the "new baby" adjustment, the changes taking place in our life right now. But there is no excuse for any of it, honestly. I have everything I ever wanted or needed, so what is wrong with me. I have five healthy beautiful children, I have a marriage that has been restored and know full well that my husband loves me. I have an extremely supportive husband, extremely supportive parents and in-laws, a roof over my head, food on the table, plenty of "me" time, so what is the problem. Well that is my dilema. I should be happy. But I find myself being very angry. I feel as if I am looking down from above and wanting to pull myself out of this cloud.

I am overweight, I think this is a big part of it. I want to lose weight and i have been exercising almost every day, but my food consumption is my biggest challenge. I have lost a few pounds here and there consistently, but when you are over 200 pounds, it's exhausting. It makes me quesiton is it worth it, I am so tired, especially after exercising.

So I find that after venting sometimes it helps, sometimes I just need to vent and whether it be to people or cyberspace, sometimes I just need to be real with my emotions.....so here went something:):)

Hanging on.....resulting in God's AMAZING!!

Many have been wondering about my latest post, so I decided to blog about it to help you all out....:) We are going to be moving at the end of Jan/beginning of Feb. to Melbourne, about an hour from here, to take part in a church plant........Those that know us and have "followed" us over the last few years of our lives will understand how AMAZING this is and how FAITHFUL God has been and what an AMAZING testimony this is for us........

Two words....Jim Britt:)

In all seriousness.....over the last year we have been seriously trying to figure out what God was doing in our lives......after Tony lost his job last Dec, we felt that we were not supposed to move, our home was in "FL" Our tendency in the past was to pack up and move, where there is a stable job and good money....well Tony sought the Lord fully on this one:) No full time job the entire year, just odds and ends here and there and unemployment, being carried through and not knowing how we were actually doing it, it didn't make sense, only God.......we have to move out of this house, we have been here a year and Bernie has been so gracious and helped us out so much, but it is time for us to move on.....so we knew we had to move here locally, but with everything that has been going on in the church here at Metro and then this last month with Danny stepping down, well during his talk he mentioned that there was a church plant in Melbourne with Jim Britt that would be taking place......we knew God was up to something, honestly, so many things have come together to give us confirmation about this.....so we are going to be part of the church plant in Melbourne. We went up there to look at a house today, only by God's grace did this happen and is working in our favor....with the stress of having to figure out, how are we going to save money and get into a place, having to pay a deposit, a pet deposit, and most likely first and last month's rent, which is standard protocol....only to find out, she only needs first month's rent, she doesn't do deposits, hasn;t for the last 13 years and has 5 rental properties and has never had a problem....So we are taking it, knowing that God has given us this gift.......knowing that He held us here in Orlando for this reason, and many have told us in the past, after going through what we have been through, that God would use it and I believe this is all part of his plan for us and was all along, we just didn't know it fully until this last month......I am just continually amazed and blessed and overwhelmed with what God has done and what he has brought my husband out of, I am so thankful that we "hung" on and did not let go.......oh the sorrow and pain was temporary, but the eternal reward is going to be priceless.......

Easy......

Why is it seemingly so easy to "imagine" yourself in a certain way, reacting in a kind way, and trusting God to the fullest......Surely after you have been through the worst possible storms, God can bring you through this one.....O me of little faith, if only I did not feel like such a hypocrite......God has done and continues to do amazing things in our life. I am not ready for this next season of waiting to see what God is going to do. After a difficult year of Tony being unemployed, with part time jobs here and there, now in a seasonal job until the end of Jan. I am asking, no begging, God to bring something to the table, pleading that He would end this "endless" searching for my husband......He is ready to have something stable, he needs something stable, God knows best though so we are continuing to trust Him, but it's hard. And it is not easy, especially for someone who likes to be in control.
We have been blessed to live in this house, pretty much rent free for the last few months, due to an amazing "landlord," whom we now call friend. He is a man of God, humble and forgiving, gracious and patient......We are now at the point where we are going to need to move, by the end of Jan. There in lies another dilemma, do we stay local or do we move? Our church has been going through some major changes, and come to find out there is a church plant taking place about an hour from here. We know the pastor and Tony connects with this man in a huge way. We both feel that we are supposed to possibly relocate and be a part of this. We are excited about the fact that we could be a part of something like this. We are praying it out.... But again, the waiting, the trusting, the not "freaking" out......much easier said then done..... it's not easy........

Daddy

"Do you ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro, do your ears hang low....." I can still hear my dad singing this song to me as I walk down the aisle, about to be given away to my husband.....in tears, trying not to cry, my dad bursts out in song, this song...growing up he would sing this to me.....he would sing this to my children as he danced around the kitchen with them. This Thanksgiving I am thankful that he will still be able to sing this song to me. My dad had a heart attack yesterday. The Lord decided to keep him here with us a bit longer, thank you Jesus for that precious gift this Thanksgiving.........

~~thankfulness

This morning as I hold my baby boy close and rock with him in the early hours of the morning, I hold on a little longer realizing how blessed I am to be his mother. To be a mother at all, knowing that God gave me five of these beautiful healthy children. I am thankful that I am able to raise them up in sinful world, but God choose me to do just that, He entrusted me to instill in their hearts a love for God.....

As I sit and pray for husband, I realize how grateful I am that I was blessed with such a man that God chose for me, as my soul mate. Although He knew that we would face many obstacles, He delivered us from them and continues to do so......God has a plan for us and He enabled us to hold onto each other in the worst possible storm......He continues to grow a humble man out of my husband and I am thankful and completely amazed each day at how far He has brought my husband and what He has delivered my husband from......

I get to host Thanksgiving again at our house this year, 30 some people, in my house....how amazing is that.....I am continually grateful that the Lord has provided this house to us during this time. We are blessed beyond a doubt that we are able to stay here, considering the landlord is a true man of God and a dear friend of ours, who offers wisdom and love to my husband and family........

Shopping for food yesterday, another blessing.....the mere fact that I am able to buy the food with the means provided, whereas there are so many that cannot and will not have the luxury to sit down and enjoy a home cooked meal......

In my mind I go a little crazy trying to decifer what God is about to do in our lives ad-mist what is going on in the church, our living situation, and job wise.....but again am reminded that I have a sound mind, that I am able to think and feel and believe in a God that has saved me from so much....the mere fact that I am here on this earth to be able to walk through obstacles and trust in One who's plan is greater than any other plan I might come up......

As I think about my sister, going to her "father-in-law's" funeral, I am blessed to have both of my parents still here with me, parents that loved me unconditionally and fully and supported me wholeheartedly when they could have thrown in the towel many times.....

I live a blessed life and many times I take that for granted....but when I look around at the outside world, I see that I need to stop and thank God for everything, Everything, even the struggles and the obstacles He puts in my path....this just gives me more of an opportunity to trust Him and lean on Him.

Just found this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=osRJiSjgBOE

~~This video is inspiring to me......I have been seriously struggling with getting back into running, which was my therapy before pregnancy......now I am running one mile comfortably, desiring to go further, but have yet to gain more endurance and strength.......I have been contemplating running for a cause, specifically cancer, considering I have many family members and friends that have fought this battle, with just recently my sister's fiancee's father losing his life to this ugly disease.....this is a motivator for me and I pray that I can fulfill it to the fullest.....

It's a new day......

~~so after a long awaited pause, I think I might head back to the "blogging" world.....as I sit here and type I can't help but think about Doogie Howser sitting down to type his "blog" at the end of his show......

~Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I reminded constantly of the blessings that I have around me....although I could very easily be tempted to complain, especially with the year we have had with no solid answers. Tony has been officially "unemployed" now for almost a full year....of course God has provided a string of opportunities to help us get by each day/month, but no full time job, which he desires. This last month he has been working for a friend from church who has a fundraiser, so he is delivering goods to the schools. It runs him ragged, but he has accumulated many hours and made good money, hence this will help his to get to Indiana for Christmas as well as have Christmas this year. Moving here was the right thing to do, the God thing to do, but God sure is confusing me:) I know that our God is not a God of confusion, but oh vey!!! Our church that we belong to has been undergoing many changes all within a matter of months, with a big change last week, which leaves us wondering, are we supposed to stay here in Orlando? There is an opportunity for us to "possibly" take part in a church plant with a dear pastor, whom we heard is relocating very close to here. Wondering if this was God"s intention of keeping us here in Orlando, only to lead us to this next "place" Only time will tell and much prayer. The mere fact that my husband is on board with fully seeking God in this speaks volumes, considering where we were a couple years ago.....so we are prayerfully waiting on God and I pray fervently that He will continue to lead us in the direction He desires, not man.......
~In other news, I have a beautiful new baby, 10 weeks old yesterday, my how time flies. I am amazed each day and I have to blink twice to remember that he is mine....I love him so very much and I am constantly flooded with emotions about just how much I love and adore my children. I am blessed beyond what I could ever imagine with this crew. They love the Lord, they love us, they are "true" servants at heart and there desire is to serve, not out of necessity but love and compassion.....
~~So ladies, I pray that I will continue on this blogging path and be able to share bits and pieces as I go and also have the opportunity to speak into your hearts as I share........