Well I have to say ladies...it has been some time here......finally....I am praying and wishing that I will be back into the swing of things. I have to start by saying Happy Thanksgiving to all.....and I have so many reasons to be thankful. My life has come full circle over the last year. Although it was the hardest year I have endured I am here to say we are still standing, stronger than ever, amazed at God's mercy and His grace and His protection. I still have a ways to go, I know that God is ever changing me into a new creation. He has turned broken into beautiful and He is giving me the desires of my heart and for that I am so very thankful. So be blessed this day, this month, this year and make the most out of everything and hang on to Jesus, He will not disappoint you and He will not let you down.

I'm Back

Well, after quite some time....I am back...hopefully able to post more often....:) We have been through one rough year, but God is faithful....we are still climbing out of the muck...but we are moving and not stuck:) The kids and I moved out here to NC at the end of May....My husband was here a few weeks prior.....So we are settling in and looking forward to reconnecting and being a family.....

sad

It's sad how long it has been since I have posted on here. But I was catching up and reading over some blogs and one really spoke out to me....after reading it I just felt lead to post today. I am home from work today, due to I guess you could call it self pity. So many times we fall into that trap, especially as women. Over the last few days I have realized I am getting nowhere, I will get nowhere with the way I am walking. I tend to cling to my husband and as things have been getting better I am clinging again. But I forget about my first love.....do you ever? Do you remember who that is? Jesus...the one who promises us He won't leave us, the one who loves us no matter what we do or say, the one who knows us inside and out and still likes us! The one who won't threaten to leave us, the one who will stand beside us, who will walk in front of us, the one who will pick us up when we fall, and believe me I have fallen quite often, but somehow I have managed to be held by this great Man and I have just forgotten to realize it. Ladies we have to arm ourselves, because we are in a battle. An ongoing battle, within ourselves. Stupid as I may be, and as many times as I have heard it before, just recently it has begun to stick and make sense to me. The only way we will make it through this battle is by arming ourselves and putting on the armor of God. I have always liked that passage, but never really let it sink into my heart and make an impression. I realize that I struggle with fear and worry big time, fear more so, but why? Well I cannot get into all of that, but one reason being that the enemy wants me to forget about Jesus, he wants me to forget that I have a saviour that will pull me through all of this MESS! Jesus, is the way out and somehow satan thinks that I will forget that......and the sad thing, I let him convince me of that way too often. We have to step back and remember that God gave this instruction manual for a reason, the Bible, to help us. As I was talking with my daughters last night about the Bible and about arming themselves with scripture, it helped me to realize I need to change my ways, I need to solve my problems differentely. I need my girls to see a strong woman in Christ, one who clings to Him when she is lost.....not one who gives way to fear......so each day, this week so far I keep repeating this scripture to myself......
God has not given ME a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind....2 timothy 1:7
So as I end this entry just remember He is greater than all of this....He is our strength.....We are weak, so very weak, but He is so much stronger......

Am I beautiful?

I had quite a bit of time on my hands over the last couple of days to read and get into the Word of God....imagine that! The kids and I went down to my parents condo (just the five of us:) A nice escape.....Anyways about a week ago my friend sent me a book in the mail.....I didn't realize how much God would use it to impact my life. It is filled with such truth, that I have known, but have refused to swallow and accept for so long....but at this point in my journey I am so astounded by it. The last chapter I read was filled with so much truth and meaning for me, it is very raw and hard to digest for some, but I felt convicted while highlighting that I need to share it with you all. So the next paragraph or so is from the book, it is written in red....enjoy and I pray that God will help you to receive it and you will take something away from this post tnite....
"If there is a question attached to the soul of a woman, maybe it's 'Do you think I'm beautiful?' When God answers from the depth of His great love, it makes some of us feel like the wallflower who is asked to dance. But we can become distracted from His invitation because of other lovers."
At first I am thinking, what??? But then as I read on I realized, oh God I am so sorry...my whole life I have been distracted by "other lovers" primarily one, who I put so much dependency on, that this next excerpt is my life in a nutshell, what slowly happened to my marriage, how it slowly began to crumble. Oh granted I know it was not just one persons fault, but God has been showing me over the last six months so much and this is just one big rock that fell in my path.....
"In the effort to make things perfect, a woman can beg her man to be like the one over there. She's hoping that if he could change, she'd finally be whole. When the man feels that he is asked to be something he wasn't ever made to be, when he senses the pressure to meet expectations that seem unattainable, when he wants to fill but doesn't really understand how to pour, after years of talking and trying and trying some more, the man can step back in frustration. The woman tries to counter the distance by leaning in and desperately asking him for more. And he might try from miles away, but he can't......And his heart wanders away. And he gives up on romance with the one he has loved and the passion dies. And the heart of the woman who has expected the man to be enough dies with it."
Ummmm.....ouch.....I had tears flowing, and my heart was aching, because never has it been put so bluntly to me in that way....I needed that, as hard as it was for me, I needed that. I think so often ladies, that many of us are this way, some of us catch it before it is too late. I have, not by my own strength, but by God's amazing MERCY....He is able and He will turn your brokenness into beauty, but you have to let Him.......
"Here is the one thing I can say with great confidence, the man that you love is just a man. He may be your soul mate. He is possibly your best friend. He may be hunky and funny and surprising and strong. But he will never--not in a million years, not if he goes to relationship therapy twice a week and keeps every promise ever written--be enough to fill your soul....he will never make you whole."
What??? That was my reaction, you mean he won't complete me? What about Tom Cruise, "you complete me" Oh how I loved that movie, but really?
"He can't. Those deep places inside you were made for God. There will never be a man on the face of the earth who can make you whole. Being filled in the depths of your soul is only about the love of God..knowing Him....hearing His voice...beleiving that He's wild about you...dancing his His arms. The man's responsibility is to be the vessel and to be a good one. He is called to listen to God. To obey as the Holy Spirit leads. To love you in the ways God prompts his heart. If he loves you as a man who walks with God and if you realize that the vessel is just a man, there can be an amazing exchange of healthy love. Through the man you can taste a part of the love that God has for you. We must realize that there will never be healthly love between a woman and a man until she comes to rest and finds her being in the great love of God. "
I love my husband, but I loved him so much more than God. I am blessed because God has allowed me to fall and He is allowing me to get up and begin again, He is giving us a second chance....but I firmly believe that I have to come to grips with the above quote, and I mean really come to grips with it....because it is so easy to fall into the trap that our husbands are our everything and we can't live without them...but the truth is we can't live without God.....I pray that this post speaks to you, I pray that it does not offend anyone. I share it with you, bearing with you the real me, in no way have I arrived and I believe that it will be a battle, but a battle I am willing to fight. I have been there, I am still there but I know that God will complete me.....

It's been a while:)

I know it's been a while, but I wanted to let all of you know that I am still ticking, God is still working and I am still fighting:):) Anyways, I am not going to blog much tnite, but wanted to leave you with my newest enlightenment and challenge......As our Pastor said last Sunday....we need to wait, wait on the Lord....You see my circumstances have changed quite a bit this last month, and I am thankful. But in many ways it is almost harder to be in the valley and climb up the mountain than being in the pit, in my opinion......Also, once you give something to God, fully surrender it to Him, don't try to take it back. As he (pastor) faced us last Sunday and talked with us before he prayed, tears flowed from my eyes, I could not stop them, I could not make eye contact, for each time I did, the water works burst......but with that being said, God knows just where to meet us, He knows just how to reach us and He knows just what we need. While Pastor was praying, I felt a hand on my shoulder, peace I felt with the touch of her hand. Now remember I am new to this church and I am not one to be open and tend to have the "happy face" on.....So God knew and this lady didn't say anything to me just her touch and the fact that she knew as well.....She told me that she so often takes things back from God after she has given them to Him....She doesn't even know me, how God was that!!!!
Okay so this wasn't supposed to be an in depth post:):) It flys around a bit and may not make sense to you all, but to those that it needs to, it will.......

God is amazing

God hears our prayers and He answers us in His time....I don't know why I find this amazing, like it hasn't happened before....I guess when it is fresh we are just in such awe at how a perfect Saviour could love us, me, this beautiful mess......But to Him I am more than just a beautiful mess. I am so thankful that He sees me and searches me and tests my anxious ways....He knows me, He knows what I need, He knows that I need those little nudges along the way.....But by far, I have learned that is so freeing to trust Him....so completely freeing........
"My chains are gone, I've been set free.....Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost, but know I'm found, was blind, but now I see...."
Don't wait to have that blindfold removed, let Him in now, His picture is so clear, crystal clear, He sees the beauty, not the ugly....He will turn your broken into beautiful........He is completely amazing!!!

Jeremiah 29:11-extended.....

About 7 years ago, I quickly identified this as my life verse, Jeremiah 29:11. It was given to my husband and I by friends that we love and respect so much. Over the last few months we have been in a pit, now transitioning into a valley. Although I am thankful and forever grateful that we are out of the pit, it is almost more terrifing to be in the valley. But on to my point, last night this verse took on new meaning to me, because I kept reading....I have kept reading before but at this point and time in my life, I think I was specifically meant to keep reading in the New Living Translation bible.
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you, says the Lord. I will END YOUR CAPTIVITY and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land."
Now for those of you that are aware of what I have been going through you will so get this. God has been speaking to me for so many years, He has been speaking to my husband as well. But for so long, we just heard the beginning of the verse. But for us we needed to keep reading....Seek me, Seek me, Seek me....Not the world, not each other, not wealth, not happiness, but ME. O lord how I wish that I had come to that revelation sooner. You are so good to us, and we are so undeserving of your love. I pray, earnestly pray that the Lord would continue to open my eyes to Him. I get it, some don't, but I know that He will use me......He will end my captivity, He will end my husband's captivity, we are free, free in Jesus Christ. Hear this, I just have such a strong impression on my heart that we are free, so many of us are lost, but He just wants us to open our hearts to Him and be released. He has freed us, don't look back, move forward.......